Reflections of a Soul
by Redmage2k
Summary: When Shinji decides to end it all, it's up to his blue haired angel to talk him down.


This is my first attempt at fan fiction. My first time, you hear, be gentle ;-)  
  
First up, much respect to Random1377. By and far, the best Shinji/Rei writer out there. I've read all your work here and it was a source of great inspiration.  
  
This story began as a songfic to Jumper, by 3EB. But then I discovered the wonderful world of Evangeleon and realised that Shinji and Rei matched the original characters perfectly.  
  
Enjoy.  
  
"speech"  
  
{character thoughts}  
  
REFLECTIONS OF A SOUL  
  
Shinji Ikari stood at the cliff's edge. The wind blew across his face, forcing him to squint. The great metropolis of Neo Tokyo 3 spread out for kilometers before him. In his mind it was mocking him, presenting him with a world that he could never be a part of. He wondered why it had taken him so long to see the truth of it all. His life had no value. Just a few more steps, and it would all be over. He could end it all here and the world just wouldn't care.  
  
{Misato doesn't care, so long as she has her beer she's fine.}  
  
{Ayanami won't bat an eye. Asuka was right, she is a doll.}  
  
{Asuka.} He sighed. {She's probably the only one who'll notice. I guess she'll have to find someone else to beat on.}  
  
He pulled his SDAT out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment. Silently wondering how many hours had he spent, lost in the music, trying to block out Misato's crying and Asuka's ranting, but most of all, just trying to lose himself. He put the small buds of the earphones into his ears for the last time. He hit the play button and let the music wash over him. Subconsciously humming alone with Bach, he never noticed the girl behind him, watching him prepare.  
  
Rei Ayanami was confused. When she had seen Shinji earlier that day, he had seemed troubled, in turmoil. Now however, that was not the case. She had never seen him this 'at peace', this sure of himself.  
  
She was snapped out of her reflection by Shinji's next actions. He removed his earphones and placed his SDAT on the short wall that ran the length of the ledge. He seemed almost in a trance as he took a sealed envelope from his pocket, and tucked it under the SDAT so the wind wouldn't blow it away.  
  
He pulled himself up onto the top of the wall and gazed out onto the city.  
  
{What is Pilot Ikari.. No, he wouldn't.}  
  
Shinji Ikari took a deep breath and prepared to jump.  
  
"Ikari-kun," Rei said, her voice was barely more then a whisper.  
  
"I do not believe that you are pursuing a healthy course of action."  
  
Shinji was startled. {How long has she been watching me?}  
  
"Go away, Ayanami." He sounded resigned. He glanced over his shoulder to look down at her but imediatly turned away from her intense stare.  
  
"I will not leave." She spoke in monotone, her voice not showing the faintest trace of feeling or emotion. She walked over to the ledge and stared at the city.  
  
"You have risked your life several times in defense of this city." She was not praising him, she was merely stating the facts as she saw them.  
  
"It would be ironic if you were to die here now."  
  
She took a moment to brush a lock of blue hair from her eye where the wind had blown it.  
  
"What do you want, Ayanami?"  
  
"I once swore to protect you. I suppose I wish to keep that vow."  
  
"You were ordered to protect me, and you did. We defeated the 5th Angel. You almost died protecting me! Don't you even care about your own existence?!"  
  
"That order has not yet been rescinded. I am replaceable. You are not." Again, she was only stating a fact. It didn't seem to bother her at all.  
  
"Don't you see, Ayanami, we're ALL replaceable! We're nothing more than tools for NERV's grand schemes. Tools for my father!"  
  
"No, you have a hand in your own destiny, Ikari." Rei said, with a hint of sadness leaking into her normally stoic voice.  
  
"You say that like you don't."  
  
"I do not."  
  
Her voice seemed to take on a quality that Shinji had never heard before, it was almost like she was accepting some great burden. Her hopeless tone cut through his depression, through his despair, through his self-pity.  
  
"Gomen, Ayanami. I."  
  
"Why are you here?" She asked, wanting to change the direction of the conversation from certain subjects.  
  
"You know why."  
  
"I know your intent, but not your justification."  
  
"I just can't do it any more, living this empty life. I feel like I die a little more everyday."  
  
Rei spent the next few moments considering Shinji's words. She wished to tell him that his life was not empty, to tell him to find the strength to continue, but the words escaped her.  
  
At long last, she spoke, "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say or do in a situation like this."  
  
Shinji almost laughed out loud at her frankness. He was even more shocked by her next words.  
  
"You must be cold up there, Ikari-kun. Could you please come down here." The distence between them combianed with the wind forced her to raise her voice slightly to be heard, this was something she disliked doing.  
  
"Okay, Ay. Ayanami." He was shocked. If he hadn't known any better, he could have sworn she she was concerned about him. He bent down, placed both hands on the wall's edge, and lowered himself down to her level. When he reached the ground he realized how cold he really was. He sat down, putting the short wall to his back, using it a shield against the biting wind.  
  
Much to Shinji's surprise, Rei sat down next to him, gingerly crossing her legs in front of her and laying her folded hands in her lap. She didn't look at him but simply stared straight ahead. "Why do you consider ending your life, Ikari-kun?"  
  
"Because it's pointless. I'm nothing to the world."  
  
"That is not true. You are the world's only hope, even if they do not know it."  
  
"No, I'm not. Asuka's a better pilot then me."  
  
"Having a higher sync-ratio does not make Pilot Soryu a better pilot. She is skilled, but she pilots Eva for personal reasons. Therefore she can never be as powerful as you."  
  
"But it doesn't matter! What good is living if I'm just a tool for NERV and my father?" Shinji hesitated, remembering how Rei had struck him the last time he had criticized his father's work.  
  
"Everyone is a tool at some point. Your father is a pawn of SEELE, and they are just slaves to their own greed and ambitions." "How do you know so much, Ayanami?"  
  
"I have been a pawn for far longer then you, Ikari-kun." Her cryptic response left him baffled.  
  
"That doesn't change anything, that just makes me a pawn in a world of pawns!"  
  
He took a couple deep breaths, letting his anger melt away.  
  
"You don't understand how I feel, Ayanami." Shinji continued, "The reason only my father brought me here was because he needed me for something!"  
  
"That is true." Rei agreed. "But take a moment to consider who the commander is. Do you think your father is the kind of man who enjoys admitting that he needs the help of another?"  
  
"That doesn't matter, he doesn't give a damn about me! Nobody does! Nobody cares!" Shinji countered.  
  
"I care." Rei whispered.  
  
"No you don't!" Shinji ranted, "You don't even know what the word means! The only reason you're here is because I haven't outlived my usefulness to my father yet!"  
  
Shinji regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He had never heard Rei express any concern or affection for anyone. He glanced over at her, only to see a single tear roll from her crimson eye and trace its way down her face.  
  
{What have I done?} He wondered. {I deserve to die.}  
  
Rei got to her feet.  
  
"Stand up, Pilot Ikari."  
  
Shinji winced at her formal tone, but complied nonetheless.  
  
"Your father once saved my life, at great risk to his own. You know this." She stated.  
  
"Yes, th-the Eva Unit-00 activation test."  
  
"He burnt his hands opening the superheated hatch on the entry plug. At the time I thought it was because he cared about me. I later returned to the test cage and found his glasses."  
  
She paused in her monologue and took a small plastic case from her pocket. Shinji had seen it once before. Silently, she opened it and removed the glasses that lay within.  
  
"They were bent, twisted by the heat. The lenses were cracked. I took them that day, planning to have them repaired and give them back to him, to show my gratitude. But the next day, I saw that he already had a new pair. I said nothing and kept the broken pair as a reminder. For a long time I thought that he cared about me. But I now see that I mean nothing more then the glasses. When I am no longed useful, I will be replaced."  
  
Rei stared at the pair of broken glasses in her hands. A flash of anger played across her face.  
  
"I will be his 'doll' no longer."  
  
With that, she drew her arm back and threw the glasses off the cliff. They traced a smooth arc up, reached the apex of the curve, and plummeted to the ground far below. They could barely hear the faint tinkling sound of them smashing apart on the rocks far below.  
  
Shinji was stunned, not only by Rei's uncharacteristic display of emotion, but also because that was the most he had ever heard her say.  
  
"Ikari-kun, I am not here as your fathers puppet, but as your friend. As someone who cares about you. As someone who..." Her voice trailed off. Again, she could not find the words she so desperately wanted to say.  
  
"Ayanami, I." He started but was stopped by her gentle hand on the side of his shoulder.  
  
"My name is Rei, Shinji."  
  
"Rei, I. I don't know what to say."  
  
"You do not have to say anything. Just leave this place with me." "Okay. Thank you Rei, for everything."  
  
"You are welcome. Just. never say that you nobody cares."  
  
Shinji retrieved his SDAT from the ledge and slipped it into his pocket. He spent a moment considering the envelope containing a letter that Rei would now never read. He folded it over itself and tore it in half, folded the pieces, and tore it again several times. He cast the shredded pieces off the edge, watching them get carried away on the wind.  
  
Together, they turned to leave. As they walked, Shinji gently brushed his hand against Rei's. Taking the hint, she slipped her hand into his. Hand in hand, they walked down the narrow dirt road that would eventually lead back down to the city.  
  
"Rei?" Shinji asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How did you know where I was?"  
  
"I did not."  
  
"Then why were you up there?"  
  
"The same reason as you."  
  
fin 


End file.
